Grief & Loss Part 2: Stepping On To The Path of Healing

“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.”
― Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

This poetic quotation captures some of the raw essence of grief, loss, mourning and bereavement. Death and mortality are themes that all of us face, but in some secular cultures or families - death is rarely discussed, often hidden and even taboo. Irvin Yalom, psychiatrist and writer, speaks of the importance of resolving our anxiety over death - by living a full life that is true to us. Similar can be said for the act of grieving fully (or embedding our grief process into our lives, as for many - loss is life changing, in the long term)- it can free us up for a new, deeper way of life; as my client work in grief-tending and bereavement counselling has shown me. Another type of grief or loss acknowledged here in this article, that all of us will face on some level, is ambiguous grief. This is non-death grief or loss. This too, when unacknowledged, or unprocessed, impacts our health and emotional life.

I want to acknowledge this article took me time to write. I fought with that - people want 3-minute blog posts not 10 minute essays! - I said to myself. It is a dense, experimental, flowing, semi free-form piece digging deep in places, and floating softly in others. Read in one sitting, skim to parts that resonate, or return and read in parts if you feel called. It is a piece that may form part of bigger offerings in the future or create splinter-posts/articles, as this is an area I feel drawn to work more deeply. I am also finding my voice here, so bear with me. This is a deep topic that deserves time, curling up with a warm drink and blanket, soft lighting. I hope it brings relief or resonance to some.

Care Note: please take care as you read if this is familiar or painful territory for you. Take breaks if you notice strong emotions or unaddressed feelings arise as you read this. The reflective exercise may help you express these, feel free to move to that below any time. Or move, stand, look outside, ground yourself in your surroundings. Light a candle and sit with that. This is sacred, honest, primal work.

Grief and particularly the primal, body-and-mind-altering process of bereavement, is a personal and in many cases, life-long journey. It has been an exploration for me writing this, including a time considering my personal relationship to grieving (I put the breaks on this for a week or so - letting go of a deadline!). It is my wish to make this lengthy article available in a blog-style (a possible resource for those needing it), whilst honouring the complex, multi-layered and deeply emotional and sometimes traumatic way that loss and particularly bereavement can impact us.

Winter, stillness, a land that is composting and resting - it is the season for such reflections.

Mainly, I aim to speak to those who rarely sit with their experiences of loss, need to review their current feelings around endings, or who have struggled with the grieving process in past or present. I speak broadly, but hope you can focus-in on your own experience with the journalling exercise below. You may not have lost a close beloved person or animal companion in your life, yet, but we can all consider loss in a wider sense, or as I mentioned in part 1: life's many 'mini deaths'.

Have you any experience of loss or grief that you simply couldn't face, or felt too alone to face by yourself? Have you witnessed parents, family, or friends do this?

This is common, and can impact our lives in cumulative ways, longer term, that at first may appear unrelated to the original loss or grief. Sometimes we put off feeling the feelings because we need to show up for our responsibilities, to work, be there for family. Some of us will leave our grief to one side, whilst we support those close to us to grieve or fall apart for a while (and caring for someone who is grieving is also a whole area of support some of us need help with). Having some routine or sense of purpose however, can be a lifeline when loss occurs. Or conversely, losing someone you cared for, perhaps for many years, can lead to a loss of routine or purpose, a void. There's grief in that too. But you may wish to know, that tending your grief is a gift for your overall health and happiness long term - and your body and heart will thank you for your courage. Otherwise, the grief (especially if sudden or traumatic) stays frozen in our bodies and memories. Science is catching up here too...

...Abundant research exists into how unresolved or traumatic grief can contribute to heart problems, cancers and increased mortality risk. Before this, coping mechanisms such as increased substance misuse, addictive or compulsive behaviours, or constant rumination and over-analysis may occur. An individual may socially withdraw or neglect hobbies and lose motivation and 'zest' for life. In the shorter term (which can be expected as natural grieving signs), scientific studies indicate that grief can lead to physical inflammatory pain, unexplained pains, sleep disturbances or insomnia, lack of motivation and focus, and disrupt the gut microbiome which supports immunity and balances mood.

Vicious cycles of unresolved grief exist in whole families. Epigenetic research and medical science is catching up with what indigenous and traditional cultures have known for thousands of years: the emotional can become the physical, if not given healthy support and outlet. Dr Gabor Mate has written his life work on this topic, I recommend his talk about the link between chronic (di)stress and chronic illness.

Based on my observation of different forms of grieving - I propose a question to you (yes, another one!):

Is it possible grieving enough, with support, visibility, and care, can allow us to feel a fuller spectrum of emotions and form a deeper relationship with life and living, in the long term?

This is a theme I witness in my work not only with those grieving suppressed or past grief, but also with chronically ill individuals, who became ill or faced limitations later in life or suddenly. And something I can relate to from my own health challenges. By accepting my pain and limitations and what I'd lost at that time - I found a new kind of peace and relief - and it took a few years to get there. Yes, I still felt pain or loss, but once I allowed myself to feel that pain and reach out to therapy, turned to trusted loved ones for help and peer support from those who shared similar experiences to me - I began to find new joy in unexpected places, and make changes. It's like the grief, the pain, moved through me - freeing up more emotional bandwidth! It forced me to slow down, retreat, heal, awaken. Often in no clear cycle/order, especially as one loss seemed to lead to several more in my life...

I have heard many say, whether from a long term marriage break up, or the loss of a loved one: you walk (or stumble) through grief, there's no shortcut or way 'out' of grieving.

I attempt to summarise, rather than define, my observation of grief, at the present time. This summary is based on how grief or loss has appeared in my life - and for the lives of those who I have supported in my work, and personally, and what I've observed in art and poetry about grieving:

Grieving involves facing the loss of what or who was loved, and everything that went with that.

This is where grief has layers, complexity, and can feel never-ending. This may include for example, grieving the loss of: shared hopes, dreams, plans and a sense of direction or purpose. It may involve grieving the unique qualities of that relationship or time, intimacy, shared routines or loss of an established family / social group. This is where grief-tending makes sense: we can learn so much about what we value, as well as who or what we loved, and tie up some loose ends perhaps from what was left unsaid or undone...I could go on, it's rich work, but I hope some seeds of inspiration come up for you in how important acknowledging loss is to our overall self-awareness, peace and contentment.

Grief Through Death as a Portal To Expansive Experiences

One moving aspect of grief-tending with the bereaved can involve witnessing the bereaved establish an ongoing or new relationship to the deceased loved one. Rather than seeing grief as a process to 'end' or 'cure,' or medicate-away, acknowledging as Francis Weller quotes above, that our grief is "...a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close" - and can still hold close.

Another aspect of bereavement, which many struggle to open up about, is the mystical, the unexplainable or overwhelming experiences of sensing, seeing or even hearing the presence of a deceased loved one, often soon after their death. I was once honoured to hold space for an individual who shared with me that they saw their partner's soul, or essence, leave their body, as they took their last breath. They hadn't shared this with anyone else. I was moved to tears when they left the room. These are potent, intimate, even sacred experiences, that deserve attention, care and loving witnessing when someone shares these. Unfortunately, many feel they can't share such, for fear of being ridiculed, judged as mentally unstable or have it 'explained away' as an illusion of being grief-stricken. Perhaps these well-documented, quite common experiences, often taboo in our modern western, rational-biased world; show grief's teaching: grief expands our awareness, sharpens our senses, breaks all rational boundaries, testing what we 'think we know'...and this may be why many turn to a priest, a spiritualist church, a spiritual or religious path, to help them hold these mystical experiences with acceptance. A therapist or counsellor who shows an awareness and sensitivity towards the spiritual and mystical can also be of support. I include this because I have seen multiple times, how sharing the with-held parts of grieving can bring a newfound relief to individuals already holding so much inside. Perhaps it will speak to someone reading this, some day.

For more resources and support around losing a loved one, see the resources below, including free peer-support groups and lived experience sharing.

Ok, so on to the broader theme of...

...What is ambiguous grief or loss? This is perhaps more subtle, or even less talked about form of grief, but can be as life-altering or life-stopping as the physical loss of a loved one, particularly when ignored over time or when occurring in a life crisis context. Examples include:

• Relationship break up or a significant change within the relationship dynamic (including close friendship)

• Grieving the lack of parent or healthy caregiver/guardian relationship (absent parents or adoption, for example)

• A traumatic injury or health condition that changes one's capacity and abilities

• A sudden loss of career, vocation or outlet for a valued craft or skill

• A loved one or child leaving home

• Watching a partner or loved one age or become unwell - wanting a partner or loved one to be the person they once were

• Forced eviction or loss of home, land or cultural roots

Reflection Exercise:

Perhaps you have your own examples of loss or grief, or one from the above list that resonates? I invite you to spend a few minutes considering:

How have loss or grief have shown up for you across your life?

How was loss or grief handled in your upbringing or around you?

How has this influenced your relationship with loss?

Write a list of your losses, and/or answers to the above prompts, if you wish. You can choose to not think too much and see what comes as you write automatically, pausing little. Or, you can take your time, and consider what feelings or images arise as you write - you may wish to sketch, paint or doodle instead - only go as deep as you feel comfortable just now.

Self-care tip: if you're worried about waves of loss overwhelming you, and your day, consider using a timer with a gentle alarm set for this exercise. Being with this theme can be overwhelming, so start small - 15 or 20 minutes perhaps, or '2 sides of A4 or one sketch.' Then pre-plan something afterwards to gently help you to come back to your body, or if more comfortable - your surroundings, in a sensory way. Go for a walk, put some music on and move, or cuddle a pet or wrap yourself in a favourite blanket, for example. This exercise is just one way we can, over time, build a manageable relationship with loss.

Have you learnt anything new about your connection to loss or grief? Are there some events in your life that still feel 'un-grieved' and if so, what would help you honour these losses - even just one small act today?

Hopefully you can find a way to tend your grief with the kindness it deserves. Remember to reach out for support if strong emotions arise or you're currently grieving. If you'd like to discuss working with myself with either bereavement or non-death loss/grief, remotely or in person, I offer a free consultation call, or send me an email. Check out the free peer-support options below also, and search for any any bereavement support services local to your area, or ask your GP.

In my third and final article on this current series of grief & loss, I will be exploring collective grief and loss, and our 'new modern age' of witnessing huge grief-inducing events. With this I will close the series by taking us back into the timeless and ancient - with an offering of a powerful, simple Grief Tending Ritual that you can adapt and explore in your own life or with others, regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs.

“I want to write rage but all that comes is sadness. We have been sad long enough to make this earth either weep or grow fertile....There must be some way to integrate death into living, neither ignoring it nor giving in to it.”

― Audre Lorde, The Cancer Journals

Articles, Resources, Peer-Support Groups:

Death and Bereavement - some suggestions to begin your journey...

What's Your Grief? Articles, lived experience, media and online communities relating to bereavement and grieving. Their blog is a good starting place.

Grief in Six Words: memory, honouring grief, lived experience, authentic honesty

Death Cafe Global Search for Meetings (in-person & online)

Local Calderdale Death, Dying and Bereavement Cafe: for those caring for someone at the end of their life; those grieving and those with a terminal illness - who need a safe space to talk with those who understand and share peer support over refreshments. Hebden Bridge Town Hall, 10:00-12:00, 3rd Wednesday of every month or email: ddb_calderdale@yahoo.co.uk

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide: UK-based support, including peer-led community

The Loss Foundation - providing free cancer bereavement support in the UK

Relationship loss, break ups and grief (to be expanded upon in future here, and on my social media psots):

Cry Me a River, by psychotherapist and lecturer, Angela Dierks -usefully referencing the 5 stages of grief and applying these to relationship breakups - which as she states can be one of the hardest emotional life experiences, overlapping with physical death.

Specific Resources influencing this article:

When The Body Says No: Dr. Gabor Maté: a talk based on his best-selling book (he also writes and gives talks on addiction, trauma, ADHD, and how unresolved trauma effects child development physically and emotionally)

The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief, by Francis Weller

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times, by Katherine May

And special heartfelt consideration and gratitude to my clients through bereavement counselling, and those who have shared and continue to explore varied losses and forms of grief with me. I am honoured to walk this path with you.