A Series on Grief & Loss: Part 1

“We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again.”
― Katherine May, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

I wanted to begin this new blog with a subject close to my heart, and one many of my client's bring to therapy. I am not sure where I'll go with this yet, and it will likely be a recurring theme, as loss is central to so many big human transitions and emotional struggles and can show up in many forms. Katherine May's incredible best-selling autobiographical book speaks of 'in-between' or slow times in our lives - times of loss, grief, recovery or illness - that may have been brought about by a big, emotional life event. Wintering was part of my 'coming back to life' a year ago after a period of exhaustion and burnout. This 'inner season' is as important for our health and wellbeing, May writes, as it is for the land around us.

Grief and death is a taboo or often culturally or socially 'silenced' subject in today's world; particularly for those without religious, cultural or community/family systems that help them talk about or experience loss or endings openly. The lack of this kind of support can lead to in some cases, serious mental and physical health challenges when grief or loss remains hidden or un-talked about. The fast-paced modern world also makes the slow, natural, deep process of grieving sometimes impossible to care for. For example, in some jobs, we are given just 1 day of compassionate leave for a funeral or to rest. With a bereavement or serious loss, this is not sufficient for healing. Temporarily, returning to some normality or routine may help some people function, and not get 'carried away' by their grief, but likely as my client's have portrayed - unaddressed or avoided grief can return to haunt us later in life.

Many of us, for no fault of our own, have forgotten how to grieve and even the benefits of this process. Indigenous peoples, non-western cultures and many religious traditions globally, teach us the importance of 'grieving together'. We are not meant to process grief alone. Sadly, unaddressed or unsupported grief is becoming a listed mental health diagnosis - 'complex grief'. To me, this says the individual is somehow 'unwell' or 'ill' for not grieving 'properly' or 'quickly enough' - and this is far from how grieving works. It cannot be forced, nor is it neat and tidy, but it is necessary. And it needs a support system.

“When our grief cannot be spoken, it falls into the shadow and re-arises in us as symptoms. So many of us are depressed, anxious, and lonely. We struggle with addictions and find ourselves moving at a breathless pace, trying to keep up with the machinery of culture.”
― Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

At the same time, experiencing grief more fully, and sharing our pain with loved ones, or in therapy or some other way of feeling seen and heard in our pain - can allow us to reconnect with joy and love. Grief, when felt fully, offers hope and renewal. Hard to believe, with something so big? I will explore the how and why of this in the next article.

When referring to grief, most of us think of the most acute kind - a bereavement - a physical loss of a human or animal loved one. However, alongside bereavement, I will explore how grief and loss can show up in often surprising yet important experiences in life. Endings often lead to new beginnings, whether we choose them, or they feel more forced upon us. How we work with this is the key to finding peace, acceptance and recovery from initial pain or challenge. Examples of less spoken of but valid and necessary forms of grieving or loss include:

• we reach a new life stage or transition e.g. adolescence, middle age, relocation, or peri(menopause)

• we transition in identity, gender, or sexuality; leaving behind an older or previous part of our selves or life

• a partnership ends, or our partner experiences a life-changing event that affects the relationship

• we lose a cherished friendship or that friendship changes unrecognisably to us

• we lose a beloved pet or animal companion

• a loss in health, ability or a sudden physical trauma or injury

• a bereavement may lead to a cascade of losses; such as dreams or plans, routines, or a sense of self or purpose

• we are affected by traumatic world events - war, climate change impacts, famine - 'collective grief'

...And so many more 'mini' and significant deaths, endings and times of renewal in our lives. Do any of the above feature in your past or present experiences? Most likely, regardless of your life situation or mood, loss and endings are somewhere within memory or current experience. The severity of your emotional response will of course vary, depending on the closeness or 'current nature' of this loss. Love and grief are frequently acknowledged as influencing each other strongly. In the words of Francis Weller, Psychotherapist and poetic writer on the theme of grief healing:

“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.”
― Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

What inspired me to write about this theme now? At the end of the year across the world are several festivals acknowledging this human experience of grief, loss and remembrance. Loss and grieving are traditional, cultural and social events. For the Celtic ancestors, this was a time of symbolic and literal year-end and the start of a new cycle. The old festival of the Celtic New Year, known as 'Samhain' or most commonly now 'Halloween' on the 31st October. This coincides with El Día de los Muertos / The Day of the Dead in Mexico, also the 1st & 2nd of November, and the Christian All Hallows or All Soul's Day.

Remembering the ancestors or deceased loved ones doesn't need to be a downcast affair; allowing for tears and laughter alike. Gathering to tell stories about our loved ones and sharing photographs is a natural way to keep remembering, and allowing grief to be processed socially. Culturally, this may involve music, song or like in Mexico honouring cemeteries with flowers, candles and beautiful art and food. This energy is even traceable in Halloween - with tricksters of the night painted as skeletons - a reminder that humour and play, alongside spiritual and emotional remembrance, are ways to explore and express a transition none of us can escape.

Come back for my second article to learn more about the psychology and 'symptoms' of grieving and loss, and how to take care of these for yourself or others.

Books and links I recommend for 'grief tending' or exploring loss of various kinds:

Katherine May, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

Kat Duff, The Alchemy of Illness - an empowering and honest exploration of related themes around chronic illness and life change, for sufferers and their carers/supporters.

To explore bereavement-focused grief, and a wealth of free resources: https://whatsyourgrief.com/

For bereavement focused, in-person community support there's the amazing Death Cafes. To read more and find a local meeting (cake, coffee, conversation or just listening): https://deathcafe.com/

With experience of bereavement and grief-focused therapy, as well as losses of many kinds, I offer one-to-one counselling and an initial free conversation with no obligation. If you'd like to speak to me about your needs please get in touch.